Living in a community with people who all have a heart to serve might seem like the perfect scenario. I'm not sure how I thought it was going to be when I got here but I knew there would be challenges in all facets of life. I can only speak for myself when I say that I am pushed everyday; to be better, to act better, to be more generous, more loving, more compassionate, more thoughtful, more intentional, more loyal, more respectful, more, more, more. I feel all of those things because I have so many people around me exemplifying all of those characteristics. I see them and I think that I should and can work harder to serve, and love with more, or everything that I have. At the root, all most all the crew is connected by religion. Although there are many different denominations, we can all call ourselves Christians (even though some Christians would not let Catholics be included in that group). A few months ago one of the traditions of the Catholic church was brought to me as contradicting scripture. The verse comes from the King James version, Exodus 20:4:
"Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth."
The person who was talking to me said that Catholics have statues in their churches, pray to them, and even bow down to them! All true things, I had to admit. I wasn't exactly prepared to have a debate right there and then, but I tried to explain that the statues are not made as idols and we certainly don't worship them. That wasn't a good enough answer apparently, so instead of getting upset we just changed the subject and carried on. However, I left there and tried to do some research to figured out what happened. Did Catholics really make such a big mistake? My first question was to figure out the correct definition of a graven image. Merriam-Webster defines it as "an object (such as a statue) that is worshiped as a god or in place of a god." Alternatively it says, "an object of worship carved usually from wood or stone:idol." Well, from those definitions I can certainly say that the images and statues that Catholics have in their homes and in their churches are most certainly not graven images. However, I wasn't completely convinced. I did some more research and found that many people had the same question I did. Some of the points that were made included likening images to having a picture of a loved one that you use to remind yourself of, explaining that difference between intervening and interceding, and the other thoughts I had brought up initially. After a while I thought it important to bring it up again, so that I could bring up my newly found arguments. This time I wasn't prepared for a battle and that is what it felt like. It was as though the other person was saying Catholics were completely wrong, and they were certainly not prepared to consider my perspective. You know what? I admitted defeat. I said I was wrong and I felt completely dejected. I walked away from the conversation thinking that I would swear off Catholicism and that this was the end of it for me. To be fair, this isn't the only thing that has caused me to doubt and question my faith and the church in which I grew up worshipping God. Despite those feelings against the Catholic church, I felt a push to figure it out; to read the Bible and really take stock of what I thought I knew. My frustration was that even though I grew up going to Catholic school, going to church every Sunday, and saying my prayers at night, my knowledge of the Bible was (and still is) patchy at best. I promised myself I would dig in and learn for myself and not just go on accepting what people had been telling me I should believe. So I did. I was excited to read my Bible everyday. I had never had a great desire to read the Bible, especially the Old Testament, but I happily read in the morning before work, or at lunch, or before bed. It didn't feel forced, or like I was fulfilling an obligation. Even though I was excited for this journey, and for looking forward to reading the Bible, I was worried. As much as I don't want to think about what people say I was worried what people at home would think. I didn't want them to see me and think that the ship was brain-washing me. I would never want my own struggle to reflect badly on the organization. As the week wore on, I talked to friends and family, each with differing opinions on my decision. One friend really made me think about church history and how I wanted to read more about it. How did we get to this place with so many different churches? How do I know that I am choosing the right one? Who has the right answers? What if I never figure this out? What if I choose wrong?
It must have been Wednesday when I thought I needed to re-read Exodus 20:4-5 in my own Bible, to see if I could make sense of my confusion. In the New International Version this is what it says:
"You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them..."
Right away, I thought, "that isn't true of statues and images in the Catholic church; they aren't idols!" That got me thinking how the slightest change of words, punctuation, grammar, and syntax can change the meaning of a sentence in the English language. I thought, how the heck am I going to figure this out when every version of the Bible is saying things in a slightly different way? Sure the base message is the same, but different words can change your understanding and interpretation of the text. Then I thought I would need to learn the language that the Bible was originally written in so that I could read the original words. Well, of course my next though was, it would take a long time to get to a place where I could comfortably read, interpret, and analyze a completely foreign language. That took me to a place where I considered that I could read everyday, all day, for the rest of my life, and I would never be able to read all the books about church history, Bible interpretation, and supplementary texts. I will never know everything, so I just have to make a decision with what I can manage to read and learn. That is a hard pill for me to swallow. I always want to be able to make the most well informed decision possible, but I spend so much time researching that a decision never actually gets made. So frustrating!
So, I went from almost renouncing my Catholic faith on Sunday to sitting in mass at the local Catholic church on Saturday night. I wasn't comfortable receiving communion because there is still too much I am trying to uncover. Sometimes I feel a little crazy because my opinions change so quickly on the ship, but I believe it is because there are so many people providing a good example that I think they can all be right. The hard thing is they are sometimes running on slightly different interpretations of the same belief and I end up feeling pulled in all different directions.
I really wish Christians were united. I wish that everyone could worship the same God and we could help each other grow and develop spiritually. Unfortunately we are not there. There are so many things that people take issue with when it comes to the Catholic church. Sometimes I don't have the answers, but I am looking for them. I'm not sure I will ever find the "right" church, or know for certain that I am saying, and doing the right thing, but I suppose that is what this life is all about. It is a time to do your best, to search, doubt, question, and grow. It is overwhelming to think how many hateful things people could say to me to make me want to turn away from the church. I don't claim to know or understand why things happen a certain way, or why we do things differently but I will try my best to educate myself to a point where people can't say one thing that makes me turn my back on the Catholic church.
On another note...
I think that ports get a bad rap as being dirty, full or rats, cockroaches, diseases, and corruption. I have to say there are a few cockroaches around but this place can be really beautiful.
