Often when I am struggling I think I need to talk about it but when I try to it ends in disaster. Sometimes I just need to make use of the ever genius google. I found
this article and the part about jealous feelings vs. jealous behaviours resonated with me. I have been struggling with jealousy for quite a while, and today I realized that the struggles I have with my weight are so similar to the battle I have with jealous feelings. It is a process and a really challenging one at that. There is so much comparison that goes with both of them; feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. There is also the knowledge that I can do something about it and I am equipped to do so. The ridiculous thing is that despite knowing the corrective action, the work involved and will power required gets in the way. I keep letting myself down and the more often it happens the harder it is to find a reason to work my way out of it. My faith journey is still such a huge challenge as well. A year ago my foundation was broken and I thought I would have built it back up by now but that hasn't happened. Again, I know that if I read, pray, and study I could get myself out of it but I don't want to do it. I am too tired, worn out, and slightly forlorn. I want it all to work out and work out quickly but here I am not putting in the effort. What a silly lady. Lent last year was a disaster and this year is not much better. At a time when people are drawing closer to God I feel so far away. I don't have that relationship where I can understand what God is telling me and have the conviction to know the difference between his voice and my own. I know that if I write down my feelings and get them out of my mind I will feel better but, again, I don't do it. Why do I keep engaging in destructive behaviours and expecting things to get better? Wait, isn't that the definition of insanity; doing the same things over and over and expecting different results? Well, that's never good.
Here I am making a commitment to myself, to all of you, because this is all I have right now. When it comes to weight loss I don't hate exercising but it helps to have goals and a plan. Triathlon here I come! Before I got to the ship I had done a few short triathlons and some running in a race format and I found great excitement from the preparation and the actual event. Since I get to go home to summer and prime race season I figure I should take advantage. I am starting a training plan from
this site. Race day is August 7. Want to train? Race? Do it! The more the merrier. On the ship we are very lucky to have a pool and stationery bikes so I have all I need, it is just a matter of getting out of bed to get it done. I might miss the wind in my hair and the smooth ride of my road bike but I think I will live.
In terms of spiritual life I don't know how to motivate myself. Any suggestions?
To illustrate the conflict that exist in my life here is a picture:
Discipleship and Trap Queen don't seem to go together. No wonder I am so confused about life.
Have a great week! I really hope if you are looking for something new in your exercise life you might join me on this training journey.
I have sent some people messages to read your blog and respond with support or suggestions. I am sure you will get some guidance soon. Love you always and forever Mom
ReplyDeleteMy own personal journey with God has been a long road filled with many ups and downs. When I was 20 I experienced a great tragedy when my mom suddenly passed away from a sudden heart attack. I know you’ve heard many stories of how good your grandma was but for me she was my Rock of Faith. When she died I was completely lost!! Ugh … Grandpa Stan was there for me but he wasn’t the one I would go to for those big hugs and consoling words. For at least a year after her death I wasn’t good with God. I didn’t necessarily blame God for her death but I didn’t really care about my faith anymore. This wasn’t a sudden change in my attitude toward my faith, I had been filled with doubts for many years as a teenager. My mom was the one to push me to come to Mass on Sundays. I didn’t dare challenge her because I know what her answer would be. She would say, “If you’re living here you’re coming to Church on Sunday!” She was tough when she needed to be. And I needed it often. Once she was gone I was on my own for spiritual obligations. Grandpa would say “I’m going to Mass tomorrow you’re welcome to join me if you want.” So I would just sleep in and choose not to go. It’s about this time when your mom invited me to come live with you guys for a while. Your dad gave me a job at the shop and I moved to Toronto for about 6 months. I am forever grateful to them for opening their home to me in this time of need. Eventually I moved back to London and settled into an apartment. During this time I felt the loss of my mother and the loss of my faith in a most profound way. I think loneliness has a way of amplifying darkness. I felt my mom’s presence in my heart. I would speak to her when I needed reassurance. It was through my mom that I came back to my faith in God. **I had a couple of pretty weird dreams during this time that helped me realize how close our loved ones are to us (I’ll share them if you want to hear it)** Anyways, I realized that faith is a gift from God and I needed to nourish it with my own actions. So, the more I spoke to my mom the more I spoke to God. I began going back to Church on Sundays with gramps and I began listening. I started to get more involved in my faith life by doing things like pre-reading the Sunday Gospel passage. I sponsored someone for the RCIA program. I became an usher. I bought a rosary and tried to pray it for the first time. Eventually this led me to become a small group leader in a Church initiative called RENEW and to my first retreat called CURSILLO. I guess my point here is that I needed to experience tremendous loss to find my own faith life. God forbid that you should need something as tragic as losing a loved one to experience this loss but I think God allows us to experience the loneliness that comes with the loss to temper our faith. It can make us stronger if we let it. It really depends on how you feed it… back to the fitness analogy from earlier… if you feed your flickering flame of faith with doubts and fears then you won’t be able to achieve the blazing fire of faith God wants you to experience. Feed faith with good things like you feed your body with good things when preparing for your race. Feed faith with Mass and Eucharist, Prayer, Reading Lives of Saints, Good Spirit filled communication with family and friends. I know God will reward you with a rich and abundant faith life. Aunt Val and I are praying for you and we have been praying for you they whole time you have been serving God on the Mercy Ship.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless you Marina
Love Uncle Doug, Aunt Val, Cousin James and Cousin Sophie
Hi Marina
ReplyDeleteUncle Doug here! I always enjoy reading your Blog because I think you remind me a bit of myself when I was your age. I also struggled with the meaning of life and how my faith fit into this eternal question. I also (and continue to) struggle with my weight and the motivation to exercise. If you remember about 4 yrs ago I was on “Jenny Craig” for weight loss and I did manage to loose over 90lbs. I felt great and looked pretty good too but I started to backslide. I have put most of the weight back on but I haven’t given up. Just this morning I was on the treadmill for 20min. It’s not much but it is a start. It’s funny, heathy living and faith are easily connected together. They are both lifelong journeys that come with many obstacles. Whatever we put into our bodies has an effect on our health. Whatever we put into our hearts (doubts, fears, hopelessness etc.) has an effect on our spirit. Never give up! Having a goal of completing a triathlon is a great goal for your personal health. Perhaps having a goal for you faith life would be equally beneficial. Maybe you could have the goal of reading the New Testament from beginning to end during the same timeline that you are getting physically prepared for your race. You could consider reading the life of a Saint life Therese of Lisieux (she is a beautiful example of a simple faith).
Okay I messed that up you're supposed to read the second part first and then go and read the first part. OOPS
ReplyDelete