Time Doesn't Wait for Me

I yelled at God yesterday. The moment I walked into my apartment I let it all out. I thought I would feel so good when I was done, that He would hear me and respond but that didn't happen. I feel lost and no matter how hard I try nothing makes sense. I feel that the more I try to trust God the less I trust myself and the more I struggle to make seemingly simple decisions. It is like I am going backwards in terms of growing up and taking responsibility for my actions. How do I deal with this? The burden gets heavier every time I think about it. Everywhere I look the world reminds me that I am unmarried, unemployed, and unhappy. I had an interesting revelation a few week ago reading a book by Brené Brown. I realized that I don't want to be happy, I want to be joyful. Happiness is about external circumstances and joy is about what is inside. I have never been a joyful person and I want to be so badly. I want to radiate it and share it with people around me. I want to shine a light on people who are covered in darkness and I want to give hope to anyone who needs it. I want to show people that they can survive the defeat but I can't do that if I am still trying to get through it myself. I want this season to be over. I want the anxiety to stop and the shame to go away. I want to wake up and not have failure be the first thing on my mind. I want to feel useful and capable. I don't want to feel alone.

I have a funny semester in January because I only have one class for three weeks. As it happens the class I am taking is pretty easy and so I am constantly looking for things to do (mopping the floor is always an option but never seems to get done). On Friday I was so bored because it was so cold and I was just staying safe from wind burn pretty much all day. Luckily on Saturday morning my mom called me an said my sister was in labour so I got in the car and started driving. I made it from Ottawa to Toronto in time to be there for my second niece's birth. I missed the first one because I was still on the ship at the time. My family spent a lot of time in the waiting room, taking turns making sure the big sister was entertained. Turns out two year olds aren't good at sitting still. When Giulietta got to see the baby she wanted her on her lap. I have never seen a newborn in person before. She looked like and felt like a doll. She was so quiet and still until she scared herself when she coughed. Then I got to see her mouth open to see her toothless gums and hear the wails of a baby that was experiencing the world for the first time. It was the best way I could have spent my Saturday. My sister looked like she was just hanging out all morning and she hadn't just pushed out a human being or anything big like that. I couldn't get over the fact that one moment Joey was all cozy inside the womb and then she was with us breathing, crying, and coughing. Oh yeah, her name is Josephine, like my maternal grandmother (someone I never met but I miss tremendously). Here she is: