Quick! I need to write a post while I'm having a good moment!
Thank you to everyone who continues to love, encourage, and pray for me in this difficult season. I know my blog has not been full of joy and happiness lately. I try to be honest and typing it out sometimes helps to get it out of my head so I am not over thinking so much. My life is not working out as I planned and I am working on letting go of my plan and embracing God's plan (easier said than done).
The new semester is going well. I am taking business organizations (mandatory), maritime law, taxation, and evidence. I was looking forward to tax the most because I have been waiting to take it to see if it could be my future but it has been the most stressful and confusing class so far! There goes that dream. Surprisingly business organizations, the mandatory course, has been the most interesting. Even in my undergrad I thought business structures were fun! I know, I'm crazy. Maritime law is totally different than I thought it would be but I have a teeny tiny bit of insight into the inner workings of a ship so I think I am following along okay. I have to write a paper in that class and I still haven't declared my topic. If you have any ideas, please share them with me!
Last week I has a job interview with a law firm for the summer but I didn't get it. I'm telling myself it wouldn't have been a good fit but I am still disappointed. Good news is I have another interview on Wednesday so I hope that one has a better result.
I finally went skating on the Rideau Canal yesterday for the first time ever. Last year the canal wasn't open for very long so I missed the window. This year I decided I need to go before I lost my chance again. I has been ages since I last skated and I have to say it was not an enjoyable experience. I would say I am a decent skater but I was scared to fall the whole time. I couldn't look up at what was around me because I was looking down trying to avoid the deep cracks and bumps. I feel bad for people who consider themselves beginner skaters because it would be even scarier for them and they would think it was their fault. The ice is very uneven and when there are lots of people on it, it gets very chewed up. Now I can say I did it and I will skate on the regular ice surfaces if I get an ice skating itch.
I've been meeting with a Syrian couple to work on their English. They are soooo nice. She is a lawyer and he is an engineer but of course they can't do those jobs here because they don't have Canadian qualifications. I feel so bad for them. I think the husband is really frustrated that he cannot work after he spent so many years studying and getting experience in the field. I wish I could do more for them. It isn't their fault that Syria fell into war and they had to leave their home behind. They have been here for about a year and their English is quite good already. They take ESL classes at Algonquin College so we talk about their assignments, their children, and their lives in general. Meeting with them gives me perspective in my own life and makes me so grateful to be Canadian. I'm so glad I am involved with a few activities outside of school. It keeps me going and reminds me that my life is not so bad.
It is pretty warm in Ottawa today: +2 Celcius. The thing is that people take the "warmth" way too far at this time of year. I was walking home from the gym and I saw I guy wearing shorts and sandals. It isn't that warm.
In other news, this weekend is the last few days of Winterlude and the warm weather has not helped the ice sculptures keep their form. I snapped this photo a few weeks ago while it the sculptures were still fresh and it was very cold.
That's all I've got. Have a wonderful week! Thank you for reading.
Sunday, 18 February 2018
Tuesday, 9 January 2018
Time Doesn't Wait for Me
I yelled at God yesterday. The moment I walked into my apartment I let it all out. I thought I would feel so good when I was done, that He would hear me and respond but that didn't happen. I feel lost and no matter how hard I try nothing makes sense. I feel that the more I try to trust God the less I trust myself and the more I struggle to make seemingly simple decisions. It is like I am going backwards in terms of growing up and taking responsibility for my actions. How do I deal with this? The burden gets heavier every time I think about it. Everywhere I look the world reminds me that I am unmarried, unemployed, and unhappy. I had an interesting revelation a few week ago reading a book by Brené Brown. I realized that I don't want to be happy, I want to be joyful. Happiness is about external circumstances and joy is about what is inside. I have never been a joyful person and I want to be so badly. I want to radiate it and share it with people around me. I want to shine a light on people who are covered in darkness and I want to give hope to anyone who needs it. I want to show people that they can survive the defeat but I can't do that if I am still trying to get through it myself. I want this season to be over. I want the anxiety to stop and the shame to go away. I want to wake up and not have failure be the first thing on my mind. I want to feel useful and capable. I don't want to feel alone.
I have a funny semester in January because I only have one class for three weeks. As it happens the class I am taking is pretty easy and so I am constantly looking for things to do (mopping the floor is always an option but never seems to get done). On Friday I was so bored because it was so cold and I was just staying safe from wind burn pretty much all day. Luckily on Saturday morning my mom called me an said my sister was in labour so I got in the car and started driving. I made it from Ottawa to Toronto in time to be there for my second niece's birth. I missed the first one because I was still on the ship at the time. My family spent a lot of time in the waiting room, taking turns making sure the big sister was entertained. Turns out two year olds aren't good at sitting still. When Giulietta got to see the baby she wanted her on her lap. I have never seen a newborn in person before. She looked like and felt like a doll. She was so quiet and still until she scared herself when she coughed. Then I got to see her mouth open to see her toothless gums and hear the wails of a baby that was experiencing the world for the first time. It was the best way I could have spent my Saturday. My sister looked like she was just hanging out all morning and she hadn't just pushed out a human being or anything big like that. I couldn't get over the fact that one moment Joey was all cozy inside the womb and then she was with us breathing, crying, and coughing. Oh yeah, her name is Josephine, like my maternal grandmother (someone I never met but I miss tremendously). Here she is:
I have a funny semester in January because I only have one class for three weeks. As it happens the class I am taking is pretty easy and so I am constantly looking for things to do (mopping the floor is always an option but never seems to get done). On Friday I was so bored because it was so cold and I was just staying safe from wind burn pretty much all day. Luckily on Saturday morning my mom called me an said my sister was in labour so I got in the car and started driving. I made it from Ottawa to Toronto in time to be there for my second niece's birth. I missed the first one because I was still on the ship at the time. My family spent a lot of time in the waiting room, taking turns making sure the big sister was entertained. Turns out two year olds aren't good at sitting still. When Giulietta got to see the baby she wanted her on her lap. I have never seen a newborn in person before. She looked like and felt like a doll. She was so quiet and still until she scared herself when she coughed. Then I got to see her mouth open to see her toothless gums and hear the wails of a baby that was experiencing the world for the first time. It was the best way I could have spent my Saturday. My sister looked like she was just hanging out all morning and she hadn't just pushed out a human being or anything big like that. I couldn't get over the fact that one moment Joey was all cozy inside the womb and then she was with us breathing, crying, and coughing. Oh yeah, her name is Josephine, like my maternal grandmother (someone I never met but I miss tremendously). Here she is:
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