Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Thinking=Trouble

Edward challenged me to make this a peaceful month; in relationships and in life. I can't say that I am doing very well. I have had to ask for forgiveness more times than I have managed to remain at peace. In school relationships, in family relationships, in self relationship (is that a thing?) I constantly make a mess. Everyday brings challenge and frustration but it seems that I am starting to figure out how to manage. I finally got off my butt and got exercising again; what a difference. I have had so much joy and energy these past few days (except today when I couldn't keep my eyes open in class; my falling head woke me up). Sometimes I jump to conclusions and assume the world is coming after me, but I have people to talk me down from the ledge.The problem is that I need to learn how to talk myself down, or even better not get up there in the first place. It isn't all bad...

A few weeks ago I got invited to go with a few of my classmates to got for a little trip to Quebec. We went for a very nice walk among the trees on the Mackenzie King estate. It was gorgeous and such a nice change of scenery. We even stumbled upon a wedding! It was small and beautiful; probably about 15 people. I am not a paparazzo so I didn't take any photos of the wedding, but the trees were great models.




I am surrounded by amazingly kind people and still I struggle. I sit in class confused and then I leave and I give up. Am I ever going to get this? Maybe one day, but it is taking way longer to sink in than I had hoped and I feel like I am running out of time. Exams are just around the corner and I don't know if I am prepared to deal with the less than stellar grades that might be coming my way. I feel like I am settling in, but part of me is resisting. For some reason I don't want to let it happen and I am making myself uncomfortable because of it. I don't want to be at the bottom of the barrel. Not knowing anything is not something I enjoy but I don't feel like learning enough to get me out of that mind set. It is just a big cycle of negativity. I see life coming together for so many people but I am still so far away from putting the pieces together in my own life; I feel so far behind. There is still so much struggle ahead of me and I don't want to do it, I don't know if I can. All I can see right now is what I don't have and what everyone else does. I know that is awful and the green monster of jealously has no place in my life but we are such good pals! It might be a symbiotic relationship (we can't live without each other) or maybe it is better characterized as a parasitic relationship. As an aside: I used to like science until someone decided I wasn't good enough at it and if I wasn't getting an A then I needed to find something else. I also had to look up the other relationships: commensalism (spell check wants to make this commercialism; that works as a relationship type as well) and mutualism.

Now for a complete change in topic. I got to go home for Thanksgiving. It is nice to be so close to home (close by my standard). It gets lonely here sometimes and it is easy to miss the company that is readily available on the ship. We had our big meal on Saturday which was great! Having Sunday and Monday free was refreshing. I flew back Monday morning so I had the latter half of the day to ready myself for the short week.  I'm not sure that the short week is a good thing considering all that I need to accomplish.

Don't let me get you down. Please believe in yourself; don't give up.

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