Cyclones and Tortillas

Well the title is a lie beacause there is only one cyclone but it sounded better with both the words pluralized. This week was a MUCH better week for my emotional well-being. I can't say that is true for everyone on board because with the looming threat of Fantala, not everyone can rest easy. I do have to say that people are not panicking and it seems that everyone is just going to work, doing what they need to get to get ready. There is a possibility that we may have to sail away from the dock to avoid damaging the ship and the pier. However, that all depends on the storm. I haven't been worried about it at all and I would like to say that it is because I have full trust that God will protect us, but I don't think it is just that. The community has been praying that we would be spared from this and that the surgery schedule would not be interrupted but the reality is that whatever happens, we will manage. The people on this vessel are extremely capable, and intelligent and God is with us; there is no need to worry. A deck officer mentioned an interesting website and it is kind of mesmerizing with all the colours and the swirling arrows. Here is the link if you want to check it out: https://www.windyty.com.

The crew galley was closed for a short time because of the possibility of sailing but it is open once again. My recipe of the day? Flour tortillas! They were very easy but I am trying to figure out how to keep them soft because they became kind of brittle and resistant.

I also learned a new word that I really like: apoplectic. Here is the definition. Go use it!

Lost It

To say this week was an emotional roller coaster would be quite accurate. Wait, I like roller coasters so perhaps I will edit that to be it was a week of huge highs and death drop lows. I celebrated an answer to prayer, I cried when I thought it was taken away. I laughed harder than I have in ages with a wonderful group of women. I cried because I didn't get cheese for my sandwich. I cried because I am not humble and I can't delight in other people's successes. I smiled thinking about being loved. I cried because what I thought were mandatory meetings are meetings that crew are strongly encouraged to attend (mandatory implies repercussions for non attendance). I cried because of the injustices in the system and the feeling that if I were to be a lawyer I might cry for the rest of my life dealing with situations such as this. I cried because I got flowers that I didn't deserve from a mystery giver. I ate the best lunch and laughed on the way to the ship in the back of a pousse pousse. Yes, I am a crazy lady sometimes and the little things cause me to lose myself to the point where I am walking out of the dining room with tears running down my face because I can't handle standing in line to get lunch anymore. Then I talk to other people and realize that I am not alone in how I feel. Sometimes people hide all the hardest parts of their lives for a whole slew of reasons, I am sure. I usually do because I don't want to be perceived as negative and awful, because no one likes a complainer, and because sometimes I feel like what I am thinking/worrying about is something that I have made more complex in my mind and that it isn't even that hard.

You are not alone.

Post-Easter

The Saturday before Easter saw me participating in the practice of Ukrainian egg decorating. It was so fun and I got lost in all the details and creative options. You use wax to create layers of colour and patterns.

 

On Sunday there were two different services and an incredibly fabulous brunch that I got to share with a lovely group of people. 

This week has been full of ups and downs. I had a bit of a realization that I am now a short-term crew member. I have less than 3 months left in my commitment and it feels like I am being phased out of community while I can see my new co-workers being phased in and it is difficult. I know that my feelings can sometimes deceive me into believing things that aren't necessarily true, but I feel like I don't have a place here anymore and that is going to make it increasingly difficult to remain present and positive about work and life. This is life on the ship and I haven't yet been on the leaving side so it is a new experience for me. Since I have time I will try and keep the friends I have and make friends of the other short term crew that don't get taken into the long-term crew circle of friends. This is not a criticism of long-term crew members, because I understand that it is a coping mechanism. When you are here for a long time you see so many people come and go, so in order not to get too attached people often steer clear of those they know won't be around very long to avoid the heartbreak that comes with saying goodbye. 

On another note: I thought I was done with rice and beans after eating them everyday, twice a day while in Haiti for our field practicum but I was wrong. Last night I made plenty of rice and beans. The hot peppers that are sold at the market here are scotch bonnet peppers. If you look up where they fall on the Scoville scale they are near the top. At 150,000-325,000 units they are WAY spicier than a jalapeno (2,500-8,000). Anyway, this was the result of my Saturday evening:

Before all that bean making I got to talk to my mom who was at my grandparents house while they were making sausages. When she sat down on the couch I could see my baby-self behind her. My mom was happier than her face suggests. 

That's all I've got. Have a great week!

Pre-Easter

Yesterday was an incredible day because so many out of the ordinary things happened. I got to have my teeth cleaned and the hygienist was impressed with my lack of calculus and said that I must floss. I couldn't let her think a lie so I have to confess that I don't ever floss. She was puzzled but said I must brush well and have good body chemistry. Then, the internet went down around 2:30 so my department became useless, as we rely on the internet for our main program and e-mail to get things done. So I spent the better part of my afternoon socializing, and even got to accompany the assistant purser on a field trip to immigration to pick up some passports. I got to go outside during the workday! That never happens. Just in case you were concerned, I did ask my boss for permission first. Then I had a really great conversation with my bunk mate. We don't chat very often and when we do it is just the basics like "how was your day?" Yesterday we talked about struggles and how much she enjoys working with the VVF ladies but their stories are so difficult to tell because people can't see it. We talked about how she, along with a member of the communications team is taking a patient home today. A little girl that will never appear in Mercy Ships marketing material because her tumor was on her bum and how people thought that the surgery couldn't be done on the ship and how the mother was extraordinarily excited when the surgery was over. It was so encouraging! She also thanked me for what I do and expressed that she struggles to sit behind her desk and deal with paperwork. She said she hears people complain about HR (I thought it might happen but part of me thought it didn't) and how she feels bad for us. I got my feet washed in a Holy Thursday service. I just went to check it out and someone very enthusiastically asked if she could do it for me. I told her my feet were smelly so it might not be a good idea. My smelly feet didn't dissuade her. This woman, who I only know from passing in the corridor, said so many amazing things that touched my heart. She thanked the Lord for me sense of justice. She was gentle and kind. When she was finished she said that I was going to do great at law school. The peace I felt was overwhelming and I was so grateful for that experience. I hadn't gotten my workout in so I was going to put it off to Friday but I decided to get in the pool and I had exactly 20 minutes before the pool closed, just what the training plan called for. Those 20 minutes made my day complete and my fingertips very wrinkled.

Today I got to help set up for the arrival of 50 orphans that are going to get to see the ocean and the ship for the first time. If you want to know more about that you should read this blog post and watch this video. The level of teamwork was amazing and what many thought would take much of the day, was done in just one hour. I sat in Good Friday service and cried. The sound of people nailing their petitions to the cross was sobering. That is what it sounded like, and worse. I cried and cried but the person sitting beside me put her arm around me and gave me comfort. I am not alone and I will be okay (even if I am not right now) and you will be too. I can't wait to see what else this weekend has in store.

Conflicted?

Often when I am struggling I think I need to talk about it but when I try to it ends in disaster. Sometimes I just need to make use of the ever genius google. I found this article and the part about jealous feelings vs. jealous behaviours resonated with me. I have been struggling with  jealousy for quite a while, and today I realized that the struggles I have with my weight are so similar to the battle I have with jealous feelings. It is a process and a really challenging one at that. There is so much comparison that goes with both of them; feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. There is also the knowledge that I can do something about it and I am equipped to do so. The ridiculous thing is that despite knowing the corrective action, the work involved and will power required gets in the way. I keep letting myself down and the more often it happens the harder it is to find a reason to work my way out of it. My faith journey is still such a huge challenge as well. A year ago my foundation was broken and I thought I would have built it back up by now but that hasn't happened. Again, I know that if I read, pray, and study I could get myself out of it but I don't want to do it. I am too tired, worn out, and slightly forlorn. I want it all to work out and work out quickly but here I am not putting in the effort. What a silly lady. Lent last year was a disaster and this year is not much better. At a time when people are drawing closer to God I feel so far away. I don't have that relationship where I can understand what God is telling me and have the conviction to know the difference between his voice and my own. I know that if I write down my feelings and get them out of my mind I will feel better but, again, I don't do it. Why do I keep engaging in destructive behaviours and expecting things to get better? Wait, isn't that the definition of insanity; doing the same things over and over and expecting different results? Well, that's never good.
Here I am making a commitment to myself, to all of you, because this is all I have right now. When it comes to weight loss I don't hate exercising but it helps to have goals and a plan. Triathlon here I come! Before I got to the ship I had done a few short triathlons and some running in a race format and I found great excitement from the preparation and the actual event. Since I get to go home to summer and prime race season I figure I should take advantage. I am starting a training plan from this site. Race day is August 7. Want to train? Race? Do it! The more the merrier. On the ship we are very lucky to have a pool and stationery bikes so I have all I need, it is just a matter of getting out of bed to get it done. I might miss the wind in my hair and the smooth ride of my road bike but I think I will live.
In terms of spiritual life I don't know how to motivate myself. Any suggestions?
To illustrate the conflict that exist in my life here is a picture:

Discipleship and Trap Queen don't seem to go together. No wonder I am so confused about life.

Have a great week! I really hope if you are looking for something new in your exercise life you might join me on this training journey.

Bellyache

Each week is so crazy and emotional, and this one is no exception. It started out with some really heavy feelings of frustration and sadness but ended with happiness and lots of laughter. This is what I wrote earlier in the week when I was feeling very serious...

Often times, there is so much of what seems like injustice in the system that I just want to throw myself off of deck 8. I certainly would not be doing so to end my life but rather to relieve some stress and have a lot of fun. I can say that I certainly miss cliff diving and the fresh water of Lake of Bays. There is a constant battle between what is right and what must be done. There is not a flawless formula to making everyone happy and maintaining a level of fairness that would satisfy any arbiter. That being said there are many people trying, to their detriment, to make the whole machine work for the benefit of the organization. When my exceptionally strong sense of justice takes over, I am a wreck. I feel powerless to what is happening and I cannot provide a logical explanation to those who suffer at the hands of the exceptions. Despite my sometimes antipathetic tendencies, there is something that boils inside of me and I cannot contain the emotions or the opinions that accompany it. This is something I need to work on because an emotionally charged lawyer may not be the best way for me to try and make a name for myself.

I want people to feel valued and not to stake their worth on what other people do or say. How can it be, that all of the good things can easily be erased by one error, one misstep, or one flaw? As the minutes pass and the memories accumulate, I am left to think about what matters and what doesn’t, what I think is right and what seems to be wrong.

The good news is that the seriousness was later replaced with laughter. Lots of incredible laughter.   Friday night I stayed off the ship at a hotel in town with two wonderful ladies to celebrate some upcoming nuptials (not my own- don't jump to conclusions). We ate very well, watched movies, played boggle, and had some very interesting conversations. When we came back Saturday afternoon I quickly started to make some cupcakes that I had been commissioned to create and quickly became obsessed with one particular cupcake that I thought was really pretty.

 

After that little photo shoot I attended a comedy event on the ship full of skits, videos, and silliness. I got to participate as a team member that was part of "Minute to Win It". My weekend is currently being wrapped up with an amazing dinner of quinoa patties with cheese, lettuce, cucumber, and avocado. I still have church service to attend, and will hopefully connect with my family so there is still opportunity for learning and smiles.

That's all I've got. Have a beautiful week!

Time to Be Grateful

There are many people on board that are able to find the joy in everything and share their reasons to be grateful. Since I have been feeling a little low I think this is a great time to find reasons that I am thankful to be alive and to be on this vessel.
1. Arms to give comfort
2. Teaching kids how to decorate cupcakes and seeing them actually take time to do it well
3. A workplace and a boss that allows freedom in my workday to be able to participate in that cupcake decorating activity
4. Saturdays that are perfectly sunny
5. Strawberry sorbet (even if it did drip on my shorts)
6. Curly hair
7. People on and off the ship that reassure me that my life has purpose and things will be okay
8. The capacity to learn and ask questions
9. Second and third chances
10. Forgiveness
11. Days to sleep in
12. Scrabble on deck 7

13. Quinoa Patties
14. Fresh Parmesan cheese

That's what I have for now. Have a great week!