Sunny Days

The title was meant to get you singing the Sesame Street theme song in your head. Read it again and sing! Although we keep getting more snow and the temperature is going down (instead of up) I have lots of things to be happy about. The sun still comes out and helps me to cope with the chilly weather. My mom came for a visit and I even got picked up and dropped off at school (that hasn't happened in years). She spoiled me tremendously with restaurant meals, and going to a movie. It was really nice to have her company. We went to see the Shack on Tuesday. We had both read the book and were eager to see it transformed into a movie. I was frustrated because I thought it was slow and that general audiences wouldn't be happy with it and it wouldn't do well. I'd say about 3/4 through the movie I realized that it was okay for the movie to be slow, maybe that is what people need right now; a change of pace.
This past month has been busy for different reasons. Looking for jobs takes so much time and it is tiring. I was talking to a recruiter today and I explained to her that I am really bad at selling myself. She said it takes practice. Another thing to learn! I want to be liked right away and for employers to see my potential (even when I can't). Then I take a step back a realize that it's not that simple and I am one of those people that takes a while to warm up to, so even if I did get an interview there is limited time to create a meaningful connection. Kind of sounds like dating! I guess that's what interviews really are when it comes down to it; finding the right person. I just wish I didn't have to worry about money and could try things out and help where I can, with no pressure. Doesn't that sound nice? There are just so many options that it becomes confusing. And then you hear about what other people are doing and even though you had no interest in it you being to think that you should try that too because you never know, you might like it or you were excited about something and then it doesn't seems so great when you hear about the things that other people are doing. Oh comparison, my old, joy-stealing friend. It's tough, but at I am grateful to have options and peers that challenge me to do more.
Apart from that, it is just regular school life. I did fall on the ice last week and landed on my elbow. My arm has been sore for a while but I knew that would happen. However, I have woken up every day since then with a headache. I just made the connection between the headaches and the falling, today. Perhaps it is time to go see a doctor. Maybe a chiropractor?
Last month was Winterlude so there were lots of impressive ice sculptures in Confederation Park. Here are a few:

Unfortunately the warm spell we had closed the canal for this season. I didn't have a chance to skate on it this year but I will know for next year that I can't put it off. That's all I have for now!

Wrestling with the Thief

It just happened. The moment that I was told would come, descended unexpectedly and stole my joy. I am thankful that someone was honest and told me that I have made comments that people have construed as rude and judgemental but it is always difficult to hear. What made it worse was that my "socially conservative" views may make it easier for me to come off as judgmental. It is so difficult to control how you are perceived. I have had this discussion numerous times, in many contexts. No matter how many people say not to worry about it, I still do. It is important to me to make sure that I am not offending people and that I am generally perceived as kind of a nice person. I think it hurts the most because I didn't realize. I am inherently rude and I am not always aware. Yes, I have some terrible moments but I think I have been better in recent years about putting pride aside and acknowledging/apologizing for my wrong. Despite this particularly saddening moment, the last month or so has been so much better. January was a special term where we took one course, everyday, for three weeks. It was all about dispute resolution. Overall, the course was much more interactive than the previous semester. We had lots of in class activities and mock negotiations/mediations. At the end of the semester I was still kind of unconvinced that I was in the right place but I was starting to think I could be here and do something good. Anyway, after that term we got a week off! It felt kind of funny getting more time off when we had only been back to school for three weeks since Christmas break. I got on a plane and went to Sierra Leone. I spent a few days with Edward and his family. I was so energized and encouraged by that trip. I got back to school and put my new found energy to work. This semester has a lot less class time built into it so it seems much more... normal? There seems to be more time to do non-school things and to still get all of the school things done. That being said, job applications are not particularly exciting but are different than reading.
This past weekend there was a Christian Legal Fellowship student conference at the University of Ottawa. I met students from other law schools, and many from Ottawa that I had never even seen before! I was exposed to the work of Jim Gash who wrote a book called Divine Collision (I started reading it a 10 o'clock on Saturday night because I was just so excited about it). The weekend empowered me to keep studying the law and not be ashamed of who I am or what I believe. I was warned that because everyone comes out of the weekend feeling so "on fire" that there might be things that shut you down. That's what happened today. I was so discouraged and my initial though was not to speak anymore. I am still processing, but I know that I am grateful because it has made me aware and awareness means that I can try and change it.
I was going to say something about another week being done but it is only Wednesday! I don't have class tomorrow so it feels like the weekend is already here.

No. 2 River Beach

No. 2 River Beach

View of Freetown from the ferry

On the ferry back to the airport

Studying and Snowfall

What does one do when studying just won't happen? Hmmm...
1. Scroll though Facebook - so much happiness and love and freedom - yuck
2. Watch TV - daytime TV is terrible; so much talking, no drama
3. Look at Facebook again because there must be something else on there besides happiness - nope
4. Talk to people - nope, everyone you know is at work, or studying
5. Eat! Oh the problems with this option
6. Practice Spanish on Duolingo
7. Write a blog post - but when that is done...
8. I guess the only option really is to study. Harumph!

Law school exams have descended upon us. Two down, three to go. I will say it hasn't been as excruciating as I was expecting! Such good news. I have only had two real moments of worry but I have been fortunate enough to kind of keep it together with the help of some lovely people. I also have a really wonderful mom that sent me flowers to keep me company while I study. I said I should bring them with me to write my exams; I think it would make lots of people smile.

Other exciting developments? It's winter. That means snow and below freezing temperatures. I know it is still early but I don't hate it. Maybe because I haven't had to live with it for the past few years. 

That's it kids! I know my life is no longer fabulously exciting. I can't be making waves all the time. I am just trying to stay in my lane for now. I have to keep reminding myself that this is part of God's plan and even though I don't get it now, it is serving a purpose.

Show You Care

It is so easy to convince myself that people don't care. I always lose sight of the moments that people reach out and show that they do care, even when I don't see it. In order, to remind myself of those times it makes sense to write them down. I have a great memory for certain details and then I can't remember a thing when it comes to bigger events. After I posted my last blog, a friend I had in my undergrad sent me a really encouraging message and also said that she really liked reading my blog. Wow! That was amazing to hear. It reminded me that even if I am not fully aware of it, people are there and they do care (unintentional rhyming bonus).
Life is confusing sometimes. It is full of moments that don't seem to make sense. I don't understand it at all and I don't think I ever will. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a part of the whole journey.
The strangest thing happened today. On my way home from school a woman approached me and asked me if I could spare a toonie or if I was going to Subway then she would like a sandwich. I said I didn't have a toonie and I wasn't going to Subway. Both of those things were true but I realized just because I hadn't planned to go to Subway didn't mean I couldn't go for her. So we went and she was very excited. She talked my ear off and told me all about how I should consider being an advocate for people with pets. While waiting in line I started to get frustrated. I was no longer giving with the right heart. After I paid I pretty much ran out of there. Then I was mad at myself for giving with bad intentions. I know it sounds stupid but that was my day. Well there was also the library and class but that is no fun to talk about.
One of my classmates invited a bunch of us over for dinner last night. It was so nice of them and his girlfriend sent us home with loot bags! How amazing is that?

Random information: "My Favourite Things" is the song that has been in my head for that last few weeks. From the Sound of Music? Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens... Ha ha. It is in your head now.

Ahead? Behind? It's All Relative

It seems that I have gained some new readers. For those of you who have just joined the story, welcome! I am sharing my life to stay connected; it isn't anything monumental. I realize that I have been exceptional down in the dumps lately and my posts have reflected that. What can I talk about that is more interesting and less lame? Want to learn about law? Hmmm. How 'bout them Blue Jays? OH! I just thought of something. The world is so small. I ran into a guy I went to high school with, whose girlfriend lives in the same building as me in Ottawa. It gets better... he knows another person in my small group class (20 students). I was completely flabbergasted.

I have been putting this off until I was in a better mood because if I write down my bad feelings other people might read them and feel bad too; I don't want that. These past few weeks have been going better. I really think that I was so upset because I didn't know anything about the law. I struggle to be the new kid and to have no knowledge that makes me stand out from the crowd. I sit in a room full of exceptional people everyday and so I started to doubt that was good enough. There are so many people who are getting the concepts and asking amazing questions. I couldn't even learn from there questions because some of them went so far over my head. Anyway, I realized I can do it but I have to be okay with not being the best. I was talking to a prof after a session on strategic course selection yesterday and I started to cry. I was crying because the faculty keeps parading all of these successful graduates and upper year students in front of us and it scares me. Not everyone ends up where these people are; what happens to the rest of them? I not giving myself permission to fall to the bottom of the barrel but if I end up there I don't want to feel like I am doomed. At the end of the day I have to remind myself that I am so privileged. I have been given so much, and I can waste it, or use it to do good. It is overwhelming most of the time. I am always analyze everything that is going on; weighing pros and cons and thinking really far into the future.

Completely changing gears... Some of my mom's relatives live near Ottawa and they invited me over for dinner last weekend. I asked if I could bring anything. I was told I could bring dessert. Finally! A chance to do some baking. I had been avoiding it since I live alone and would inevitably just eat everything I made. I decided to make checkerboard cake. It seems impressive but it is no more difficult than a regular cake.

Earlier this week generator testing lead to a blown fuse in the building where I live. Consequently the elevators were out of service. The lobby was full (I use this as a relative term) of people. Usual you see one person (maybe). When I walked in on Monday evening there were at least 10 people, maybe 15, just standing (and staring at their phones). I decided I wasn't going to wait, and ventured up the stairs. I live on the 20th floor and I had my backpack on so I knew it wasn't going to be an easy task. I did manage to make it up but was in desperate need of a shower once I got there. Another good thing is that I now know I can escape in the event of an emergency. The stairs in the building where my parents lived led nowhere; it was a deathtrap.

What do I think about the election? It is over. It happened. Maybe, if we let Him, He will use him to do something great. See what I did there? Capitalize the h and it totally changes the focus. Have a great weekend!

Thinking=Trouble

Edward challenged me to make this a peaceful month; in relationships and in life. I can't say that I am doing very well. I have had to ask for forgiveness more times than I have managed to remain at peace. In school relationships, in family relationships, in self relationship (is that a thing?) I constantly make a mess. Everyday brings challenge and frustration but it seems that I am starting to figure out how to manage. I finally got off my butt and got exercising again; what a difference. I have had so much joy and energy these past few days (except today when I couldn't keep my eyes open in class; my falling head woke me up). Sometimes I jump to conclusions and assume the world is coming after me, but I have people to talk me down from the ledge.The problem is that I need to learn how to talk myself down, or even better not get up there in the first place. It isn't all bad...

A few weeks ago I got invited to go with a few of my classmates to got for a little trip to Quebec. We went for a very nice walk among the trees on the Mackenzie King estate. It was gorgeous and such a nice change of scenery. We even stumbled upon a wedding! It was small and beautiful; probably about 15 people. I am not a paparazzo so I didn't take any photos of the wedding, but the trees were great models.

I am surrounded by amazingly kind people and still I struggle. I sit in class confused and then I leave and I give up. Am I ever going to get this? Maybe one day, but it is taking way longer to sink in than I had hoped and I feel like I am running out of time. Exams are just around the corner and I don't know if I am prepared to deal with the less than stellar grades that might be coming my way. I feel like I am settling in, but part of me is resisting. For some reason I don't want to let it happen and I am making myself uncomfortable because of it. I don't want to be at the bottom of the barrel. Not knowing anything is not something I enjoy but I don't feel like learning enough to get me out of that mind set. It is just a big cycle of negativity. I see life coming together for so many people but I am still so far away from putting the pieces together in my own life; I feel so far behind. There is still so much struggle ahead of me and I don't want to do it, I don't know if I can. All I can see right now is what I don't have and what everyone else does. I know that is awful and the green monster of jealously has no place in my life but we are such good pals! It might be a symbiotic relationship (we can't live without each other) or maybe it is better characterized as a parasitic relationship. As an aside: I used to like science until someone decided I wasn't good enough at it and if I wasn't getting an A then I needed to find something else. I also had to look up the other relationships: commensalism (spell check wants to make this commercialism; that works as a relationship type as well) and mutualism.

Now for a complete change in topic. I got to go home for Thanksgiving. It is nice to be so close to home (close by my standard). It gets lonely here sometimes and it is easy to miss the company that is readily available on the ship. We had our big meal on Saturday which was great! Having Sunday and Monday free was refreshing. I flew back Monday morning so I had the latter half of the day to ready myself for the short week.  I'm not sure that the short week is a good thing considering all that I need to accomplish.

Don't let me get you down. Please believe in yourself; don't give up.

These Days

So I forgot a few things in my last post but I want to mention them.

My mom and my sister have become knitting machines and I got recruited to participate. So, in the few days before I left for school, I made this snazzy washcloth.

My mom had to help me fix my mistakes so many times that there is no way I would be able to accomplish anything without her. Needless to say I have gone into knitting retirement for now. Maybe I will take it up again when I am home next and I have my mom to help me.

One of my best friends in the whole world had a baby! I am so proud of her and I know she is going to be a fabulous mother and that her baby will be so loved. I look up to her a lot because she is so accomplished and works through every challenge that she is given. I hope I will be able to do the same.

My wonderful cousin became a teenager. She is so kind and although her mom says she acts like a teenager sometimes, I've never seen it so I can't believe it. 

School started. The first few days were a huge mix of feelings. I was happy to make some new connections on the first few days and find a familiar face in the crowd. I was not as happy to feel like I wasn't in the right place and that I had made a huge mistake. So many people have emphasized that the first little while will be difficult but it does get better.

After a few weeks I am still trying trying to figure out how to study, live, and just be. I didn't realize that I would struggle in school so much. I have really lacked the motivation to put in the effort required to be excellent. I kind of gave up after only a few days because I saw that I wasn't the best and I was so tired and lonely that I didn't care enough to make an effort. Thankful I got over that last week and figured out that I do my best work at the public library just a block away from where I live. The library is home to some very interesting individuals that I have never encountered at a library in Toronto but I suppose everyone needs somewhere to nap, and not everyone knows that a quiet area means you shouldn't talk on the phone.

Last night I went on a boat cruise with a big group of other students from the law school. I am still attempting to make friends and find where I fit. It was funny being on a boat. It was so different than the ship. All the drinking and club like atmosphere was enough to make me realize that I wasn't on the Africa Mercy. It was also way colder outside than the tropical nights of the sails I have experienced in the past.

Here we are, another week, another chance to do better and be better.