Show You Care

It is so easy to convince myself that people don't care. I always lose sight of the moments that people reach out and show that they do care, even when I don't see it. In order, to remind myself of those times it makes sense to write them down. I have a great memory for certain details and then I can't remember a thing when it comes to bigger events. After I posted my last blog, a friend I had in my undergrad sent me a really encouraging message and also said that she really liked reading my blog. Wow! That was amazing to hear. It reminded me that even if I am not fully aware of it, people are there and they do care (unintentional rhyming bonus).
Life is confusing sometimes. It is full of moments that don't seem to make sense. I don't understand it at all and I don't think I ever will. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a part of the whole journey.
The strangest thing happened today. On my way home from school a woman approached me and asked me if I could spare a toonie or if I was going to Subway then she would like a sandwich. I said I didn't have a toonie and I wasn't going to Subway. Both of those things were true but I realized just because I hadn't planned to go to Subway didn't mean I couldn't go for her. So we went and she was very excited. She talked my ear off and told me all about how I should consider being an advocate for people with pets. While waiting in line I started to get frustrated. I was no longer giving with the right heart. After I paid I pretty much ran out of there. Then I was mad at myself for giving with bad intentions. I know it sounds stupid but that was my day. Well there was also the library and class but that is no fun to talk about.
One of my classmates invited a bunch of us over for dinner last night. It was so nice of them and his girlfriend sent us home with loot bags! How amazing is that?

Random information: "My Favourite Things" is the song that has been in my head for that last few weeks. From the Sound of Music? Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens... Ha ha. It is in your head now.

Ahead? Behind? It's All Relative

It seems that I have gained some new readers. For those of you who have just joined the story, welcome! I am sharing my life to stay connected; it isn't anything monumental. I realize that I have been exceptional down in the dumps lately and my posts have reflected that. What can I talk about that is more interesting and less lame? Want to learn about law? Hmmm. How 'bout them Blue Jays? OH! I just thought of something. The world is so small. I ran into a guy I went to high school with, whose girlfriend lives in the same building as me in Ottawa. It gets better... he knows another person in my small group class (20 students). I was completely flabbergasted.

I have been putting this off until I was in a better mood because if I write down my bad feelings other people might read them and feel bad too; I don't want that. These past few weeks have been going better. I really think that I was so upset because I didn't know anything about the law. I struggle to be the new kid and to have no knowledge that makes me stand out from the crowd. I sit in a room full of exceptional people everyday and so I started to doubt that was good enough. There are so many people who are getting the concepts and asking amazing questions. I couldn't even learn from there questions because some of them went so far over my head. Anyway, I realized I can do it but I have to be okay with not being the best. I was talking to a prof after a session on strategic course selection yesterday and I started to cry. I was crying because the faculty keeps parading all of these successful graduates and upper year students in front of us and it scares me. Not everyone ends up where these people are; what happens to the rest of them? I not giving myself permission to fall to the bottom of the barrel but if I end up there I don't want to feel like I am doomed. At the end of the day I have to remind myself that I am so privileged. I have been given so much, and I can waste it, or use it to do good. It is overwhelming most of the time. I am always analyze everything that is going on; weighing pros and cons and thinking really far into the future.

Completely changing gears... Some of my mom's relatives live near Ottawa and they invited me over for dinner last weekend. I asked if I could bring anything. I was told I could bring dessert. Finally! A chance to do some baking. I had been avoiding it since I live alone and would inevitably just eat everything I made. I decided to make checkerboard cake. It seems impressive but it is no more difficult than a regular cake.

Earlier this week generator testing lead to a blown fuse in the building where I live. Consequently the elevators were out of service. The lobby was full (I use this as a relative term) of people. Usual you see one person (maybe). When I walked in on Monday evening there were at least 10 people, maybe 15, just standing (and staring at their phones). I decided I wasn't going to wait, and ventured up the stairs. I live on the 20th floor and I had my backpack on so I knew it wasn't going to be an easy task. I did manage to make it up but was in desperate need of a shower once I got there. Another good thing is that I now know I can escape in the event of an emergency. The stairs in the building where my parents lived led nowhere; it was a deathtrap.

What do I think about the election? It is over. It happened. Maybe, if we let Him, He will use him to do something great. See what I did there? Capitalize the h and it totally changes the focus. Have a great weekend!

Thinking=Trouble

Edward challenged me to make this a peaceful month; in relationships and in life. I can't say that I am doing very well. I have had to ask for forgiveness more times than I have managed to remain at peace. In school relationships, in family relationships, in self relationship (is that a thing?) I constantly make a mess. Everyday brings challenge and frustration but it seems that I am starting to figure out how to manage. I finally got off my butt and got exercising again; what a difference. I have had so much joy and energy these past few days (except today when I couldn't keep my eyes open in class; my falling head woke me up). Sometimes I jump to conclusions and assume the world is coming after me, but I have people to talk me down from the ledge.The problem is that I need to learn how to talk myself down, or even better not get up there in the first place. It isn't all bad...

A few weeks ago I got invited to go with a few of my classmates to got for a little trip to Quebec. We went for a very nice walk among the trees on the Mackenzie King estate. It was gorgeous and such a nice change of scenery. We even stumbled upon a wedding! It was small and beautiful; probably about 15 people. I am not a paparazzo so I didn't take any photos of the wedding, but the trees were great models.

I am surrounded by amazingly kind people and still I struggle. I sit in class confused and then I leave and I give up. Am I ever going to get this? Maybe one day, but it is taking way longer to sink in than I had hoped and I feel like I am running out of time. Exams are just around the corner and I don't know if I am prepared to deal with the less than stellar grades that might be coming my way. I feel like I am settling in, but part of me is resisting. For some reason I don't want to let it happen and I am making myself uncomfortable because of it. I don't want to be at the bottom of the barrel. Not knowing anything is not something I enjoy but I don't feel like learning enough to get me out of that mind set. It is just a big cycle of negativity. I see life coming together for so many people but I am still so far away from putting the pieces together in my own life; I feel so far behind. There is still so much struggle ahead of me and I don't want to do it, I don't know if I can. All I can see right now is what I don't have and what everyone else does. I know that is awful and the green monster of jealously has no place in my life but we are such good pals! It might be a symbiotic relationship (we can't live without each other) or maybe it is better characterized as a parasitic relationship. As an aside: I used to like science until someone decided I wasn't good enough at it and if I wasn't getting an A then I needed to find something else. I also had to look up the other relationships: commensalism (spell check wants to make this commercialism; that works as a relationship type as well) and mutualism.

Now for a complete change in topic. I got to go home for Thanksgiving. It is nice to be so close to home (close by my standard). It gets lonely here sometimes and it is easy to miss the company that is readily available on the ship. We had our big meal on Saturday which was great! Having Sunday and Monday free was refreshing. I flew back Monday morning so I had the latter half of the day to ready myself for the short week.  I'm not sure that the short week is a good thing considering all that I need to accomplish.

Don't let me get you down. Please believe in yourself; don't give up.

These Days

So I forgot a few things in my last post but I want to mention them.

My mom and my sister have become knitting machines and I got recruited to participate. So, in the few days before I left for school, I made this snazzy washcloth.

My mom had to help me fix my mistakes so many times that there is no way I would be able to accomplish anything without her. Needless to say I have gone into knitting retirement for now. Maybe I will take it up again when I am home next and I have my mom to help me.

One of my best friends in the whole world had a baby! I am so proud of her and I know she is going to be a fabulous mother and that her baby will be so loved. I look up to her a lot because she is so accomplished and works through every challenge that she is given. I hope I will be able to do the same.

My wonderful cousin became a teenager. She is so kind and although her mom says she acts like a teenager sometimes, I've never seen it so I can't believe it. 

School started. The first few days were a huge mix of feelings. I was happy to make some new connections on the first few days and find a familiar face in the crowd. I was not as happy to feel like I wasn't in the right place and that I had made a huge mistake. So many people have emphasized that the first little while will be difficult but it does get better.

After a few weeks I am still trying trying to figure out how to study, live, and just be. I didn't realize that I would struggle in school so much. I have really lacked the motivation to put in the effort required to be excellent. I kind of gave up after only a few days because I saw that I wasn't the best and I was so tired and lonely that I didn't care enough to make an effort. Thankful I got over that last week and figured out that I do my best work at the public library just a block away from where I live. The library is home to some very interesting individuals that I have never encountered at a library in Toronto but I suppose everyone needs somewhere to nap, and not everyone knows that a quiet area means you shouldn't talk on the phone.

Last night I went on a boat cruise with a big group of other students from the law school. I am still attempting to make friends and find where I fit. It was funny being on a boat. It was so different than the ship. All the drinking and club like atmosphere was enough to make me realize that I wasn't on the Africa Mercy. It was also way colder outside than the tropical nights of the sails I have experienced in the past.

Here we are, another week, another chance to do better and be better.

Making a Place

I've thought about writing many times since I have been home. I've also thought about how somethings are just better left unsaid, and how it was nice to be able to "hide" for a while. There is this strange issue that I struggle with when it comes to social media: where is the line between sharing and bragging? I don't know. I suppose it is your personal intention. However, that intention can be perceived differently by each person and sometimes you can trick yourself into thinking that you are doing something for the right reasons, even if you are not. Here I am, wanting to share in order to stay connected, to let it out, and to give thanks.

The first few weeks of being home were a very strange experience where I didn't feel like I fit. I didn't want to be back on the ship but I wasn't particularly comfortable at home. Then things got busy, I found things to do, and it started to feel better. I went water skiing at the lake and I got to spend so really good quality time with most my immediate family members.

Making gnocchi with Nonna

I was able to take some time and prepare items to bring to Ottawa. My mom and I found these end tables and I was really hoping to strip the stain and stain them a bit lighter but I had to change my plan when the stripping agent ruined the already exposed wood. I know many people will hate me for painting the tables but that was all I was capable of doing at that point.

My mom and I were able to make a couple of trips to Ottawa to bring furniture and "stuff" to start setting things up. Thanks to my mom I didn't have to worry about finding an apartment last minute. I am really happy that we were able to move ahead of time because that took away a lot of potential stress when it came to school starting. I have spoken to so many people who moved into their places days before school started and who had only seen them online. I don't I would have handled that very well. They are way braver than I am. I also got to visit with my mom's family that lives just outside of Ottawa and came to know that they are incredibly kind people and I am so happy to have them nearby.

I had a visitor from the ship! My very wonderful and fabulous boyfriend made the long journey to come visit. Let me just say that getting a visitor visa is not easy. It really brought to light how special we are as Canadians (among others) to be able to freely enter so many countries, without having to apply for anything ahead of time. Before we did anything exciting it was time to complete the triathlon I had been training for since... forever. I had a great time and although it was difficult I was happy with how I did.  I did fall off my bike at the turn around. Whoops! I turned too wide and hit some sand and since road bike wheels have so little traction, I lost it. I was fine. What's a triathlon without a little blood?

Since it was Edward's first time to Canada I got to participate in lots of touristy activities. We went to Niagara Falls (I had never been) with my aunt, uncle, and cousins.

We went to a Jays game and an Argos game. Who are the Argos? They are Toronto's team in the Canadian Football League. We had incredible seats for both games but they were totally different. (far away for the Jays, super close for the Argos). If you go to a Jays game don't be afraid to sit in the 500s; the view is great!

Canada's Wonderland (theme park) was on the list of destinations. Edward went on his very first roller coaster (Leviathan) and loved it.

We made pizza with Nonna. 

We tried to go to Ottawa but we found this roadblock...

We were first on the scene and thought we might be able to move it enough to get by but that was dreadfully unsuccessful. Thankfully a woman who lived just up the road pulled up behind us. She called her husband and he brought a chainsaw. It was cleared in no time and off we went.

Light show at Parliament

Then it was time to celebrate Edward's birthday. What exciting things did we do? We went bowling with my aunt, uncle, and cousins and then Edward and I went to the movie theatre to watch Summerslam. Huh? Yup. Wrestling. He loved it and when I watched is as entertainment rather than reality I have to admit I had a good time as well. The next day he got two more cakes. So a total a three birthday cakes, not bad (I only got two).

Then it was time to say goodbye so Edward could get back to the ship. 

Then I had to start saying some more goodbyes. First goodbye; the lake.

And then it was time to say goodbye to "home". But not before I got to celebrate my birthday with my family getting tomatoes into jars.

 

And those are my last few months in a nutshell.

Somebody Loves You

I wanted to post ages ago but the internet on the ship was not letting me write or post so now that I am home I can fill you in on the past few weeks.

Our departure from Madagascar was heart wrenching for many people. The tugboats gave us a special goodbye.

The sail kicked me in the but. On the calmest, most beautiful day of the sail I was crying because I felt so sick. I have no idea what was going on but after the crew nurse gave me some drugs I felt much better and then when the sea got rough again I was fine. It doesn't make any sense. I also received the most thoughtful gift:

To you it looks like a can of ginger ale. To me it was a the sign of a sacrifice and the result of a search. You see, there hasn't been any ginger ale on board for ages and so I have no idea where this was obtained. I know that someone loves me very much. Please know that someone loves you too; see the love in the little things. 

Saying goodbye to people on the ship didn't cause any dramatic displays of emotion. However, I think it hasn't hit me yet. I will miss that community and how it changed my life. I am thankful I won't have to make such a long airplane trip for the foreseeable future. 20 hours of airplane travel is too much for someone of my advanced age.  I was in awe thinking about how a giant structure was flying at 600km/h in the sky. As amazing as it is I have resolved not to fly so far unless I can do it in first class; even then I would have to consider it for a long time.

When I got home I was greeted by lots of hugs and delicious homemade pizza. As comfortable as my bed was I still woke up at 4am. That's okay. At least the sun rises pretty early so I didn't have to be in the dark for long.

That is all for now. I am wondering whether to keep writing this blog. Maybe I am writing for my AFM family now instead. I'd be thrilled to hear what you think.

Packing Up

It is time. This view makes it abundantly clear that the ship will soon leave the port of Toamasina, Madagascar and not return in the near future.

Cars loaded on deck 8 of the ship, strapped to the deck and ready to bear the waves and wind that may await the vessel on the short journey to South Africa. I cannot tell you exactly when we will leave because that will compromise the security of the ship.

I am still experiencing a heart of stone; one with no emotion toward anyone leaving. However, I have started to think about what I will miss by not being on board anymore. I have to remind myself that although there are wonderful things about being here it is just not my place anymore.

I watched all three of my roommates pack up and either change cabins or leave the ship this past week. It made me realize that I have way too much stuff to bring it all home with me. The difficult part is going to be figuring out what is worth bringing home and what I can rationally convince myself to leave behind. The problem is I have a hard time leaving things that are useful but not necessarily important, such as shampoo, conditioner, greeting cards, and glass food storage containers. I guess I will just have to start packing and then figure out what fits and what doesn't.

As the ship and its residents prepares for its imminent departure from this extraordinary country, I can only remember. Remember the friendly people, the amazing market, the sunny days and torrential downpours. Memories are a beautiful gift; you can take them wherever you go and you don't have to pay for extra baggage.