Rethinking Control

This week everything seemed out of my control. My emotions were so strong and so scary that I did not even feel like myself. I have felt unsettled for almost a week. I know exactly what started it but I couldn't stop it. No matter how much I wanted to forgive and move on my mind and my body were stuck. I am really working on doing better at managing well when things go wrong. I have really been working on this since school started and I felt like such failure. I seemed to be taking stops forward but then I was further back than when I started. In the midst of my freaking out someone who I met while on exchange reach out to me completely out of the blue and we ended up talking via video chat for an hour. Although my anger and fear were not gone, I was reminded that I was not alone. My brother reminded me that this might be true for the big things in life there are lots of things that are under control: what I eat, if I go to the gym, and doing my school work. Having it presented like that helped me calm down and take stock of what I was perceiving as out of control.
This morning I woke up way before my alarm (as I have been for the past week) and I sat down to finish an assignment while I watched the sunrise. I still felt sad, angry, and frustrated but my heart wasn't racing and I was observing a beautiful miracle that is the passage of time.